Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
