Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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