As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
