My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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