My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Reggie can tackle my bush.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
