Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
