My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I want her autograph on my taint
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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