She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Is it because I queefed?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
