I wish my penis had an off switch
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Still dying that you shit outside
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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