my shit smells like andre
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
