so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I am one with the molecules
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
