"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
