You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
