Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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