you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
