i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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