You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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