We're like a lot better than the average bears
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
