did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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