Non-Jews are for practice
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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