i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
