dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
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all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.