he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
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why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
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He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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