well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack