I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
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She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow