We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?