So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
