my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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