I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You smell like stripper and shame
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
