Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
