I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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