How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
