I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
no more duck duck goose at the bar
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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