Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
