shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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