Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
