Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
