he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
