apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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