break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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