If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
