Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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