just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
