there's paper in my vomit.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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