Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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