he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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