Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
