the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
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Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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