peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
