the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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