Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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