Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
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I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
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Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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