i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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