your parents love me but you hate me
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
