my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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