He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
