for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
