Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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