guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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