I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Pooping to opera.
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