Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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