You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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