I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize