So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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